Forget to Remember
by Casteline
Summary: Sirius Black had locked away the memories long ago, unable to deal with the pain they brought. But how long can he hide the feelings from the world, when he can't even hide them from himself? SBSS


I don't own, duh.

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**Forget to Remember**

Sirius Black hated being here. He hated the house, as he had his entire life. He hated all the memories it drought back. The memories of his parents, lying all over the house like they were conspiring against him. The memories of his friends, whose pictures had been having on the wall of his room since he met them. Apparently his parents never bothered to clean out his room when he left. Looking at those pictures hurt sometimes; remembering Lily and James, remembering when Peter had been their friend (he had proceeded to burn his face out of every picture he could find), remembering when he and Remus had been the best of friends. Of course, Remus was all he had left now. Remus and Harry were the only family he had left.

But Harry was just a kid. He wasn't from the past, he was the future.

And Remus… Merlin he'd changed so much. The Remus he remembered had been so… carefree. Of course, he'd never been quite like Sirius and James; he'd always been the voice of reason. But it was as though the Remus he once knew had died, replaced by this person Sirius didn't know.

But what hurt most were not the memories hung out for the world to see. They were not the memories that attacked him every time he entered a room, every time he saw a friends face.

No. They were the memories kept hidden, the ones locked in a shoebox under the bed, the ones hidden away in the back of his mind, locked away deep in his heart.

The ones he'd kept from the world for so long, he'd almost forgotten they were there.

Almost.

They should have stayed gone. They should have remained in the past, just memories long forgotten.

But of course he'd pulled that old shoebox out from under the bed, forgetting momentarily what was inside. Forgetting that they'd been put there a reason.

Forgetting that once he remembered, he wouldn't be able to forget again.

The picture that lay on top had been one of the happiest memories he could remember.

And one of the saddest.

Left to right, Lily, James, Marlene McKinnon, Remus, Sirius and Severus were standing by the lake, arms thrown over each others shoulders carelessly. If memory served, it had been just a few nights before the end of term of their seventh year.

In the picture they'd all been happy. Lily and James were now a happy couple, Lily having given in just months before. But in just two years they would die, leaving Sirius in Azkaban, Peter presumed dead, and Remus all alone. Remus and Marlene. They had been such a happy couple. They'd been together for yeas and they were perfect. But Marlene would die in three months. Sirius suspected this to have been the beginning of Remus' change.

Seeing they're smiling faces, Sirius found it a bit depressing. They were so happy, but it wouldn't last.

The worst was the last two people in the photo.

Sirius and Severus. Both smiling so brightly it could have lit up a large Quidditch stadium.

They had been so happy.

Sirius couldn't remember smiling like that in a long time. Nor could he remember Severus smiling at all after that.

They'd been so happy.

Sirius could remember exactly how it had happened, as though it was yesterday. It had been almost 20 years ago, but it had been the strongest of his memories.

It had been near the end of their fifth year. OWLs had just finished. Sirius and Snape had been fighting as they always did. Screaming obscenities, throwing curses.

The others hadn't been there. It was late and Sirius had snuck out to get some air. The instant he'd run into Snivellus, they'd started fighting.

But then somehow Sirius had found his lips planted on the Slytherin's.

Sirius couldn't remember exactly when it had started. When he'd stopped hating Snape, when he'd started to fall for him.

Part of him was sure he'd never hated him. That he'd only spent the last five years making his life hell because he secretly liked him, and didn't want to admit it.

But during that little spat they'd had, Sirius felt something in him snap. At this point he'd known for a while how he truly felt towards Severus, and in that moment, he'd realized he didn't want to pretend any longer.

Severus, of course, had thought it was some insane prank. Then he'd thought the crazed Gryffindor had been slipped something, a love potion perhaps.

It had taken months for Sirius to convince him otherwise. To convince him that he was completely serious (no pun intended).

Three months into their sixth year, he'd finally given in. He'd allowed himself to believe that Sirius had only good intensions.

Sirius had demanded a truce between Severus and the other Marauders in their seventh year. It wasn't until a few weeks after James had stopped taunting the Slytherin (and vice versa), the Sirius had revealed the truth.

And for a year and a half, they were completely happy.

But then something happened.

At the end of their seventh year, a few days after the picture had been taken, their world crashed.

Severus was angry, angrier that Sirius could ever remember seeing him.

And the way he was talking, it was his fault.

Sirius had no idea what had happened, what had changed.

All he knew was the Severus was walking away and Sirius' hear was breaking.

The next time they saw each other was fourteen years later, just after he'd escaped from Azkaban.

And Severus hated him.

So Sirius pretended to hate him too. He pretended that the past never happened.

And that worked fine for almost two years.

Then Sirius found this box of memories.

He had shoved it under the bed the day he'd gotten back from school. He'd returned for the day, to gather his things and leave the family for good, having his memory burned from the family tree the day he did.

The last thing he did before leaving was put the pictures under the bed, where he knew he would never have to see them again.

But here he was, viewing these images again, brought to tears by the pain he was experiencing.

There were dozens of pictures, mostly of he and Severus, perfectly happy.

Tears falling, Sirius reached into his pocket and retrieved a muggle lighter. He lit it, then held it to one of the pictures, allowing it to burn freely.

Then, just before their faces were engulfed in fire, Sirius clasped it between his finger, effectively putting it out.

As much as he now hated the man, as much as he hated the memory, he could not bring himself to burn it away.

For he was still completely in love with Severus Snape.

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There may be a sequel to this later on. It just depends on whether or not I can think of how to write it.

Reviews are wonderful.

Ella


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